1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
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Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”