“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.