ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
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Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye