BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.