yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.