Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”