One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
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women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Cake!!
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.