I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.