Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Meanwhile in Portland…
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
not seeing the problem
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.