doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
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Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.