On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
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if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Investing in beetcoin
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.