Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
BRO LMFAO
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Not recommended for beginners.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.