My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I want what they have
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.