[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
I think I’ll stand
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.