Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
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IT’S-A ME,
Growing up was a huge mistake
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!