Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Welcome
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
yeet
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
All generalizations are stupid.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth