Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.