Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I hate everything
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.