Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
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me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
This sounds bad:
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit