Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Worth a try
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Good Morning.