[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*