I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
No chill.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Does your wife know you’re single?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.