We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
New comic up. “Ransom”
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
i can’t wait that long
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Just a friendly reminder!
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.