My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
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Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!