PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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A French press is when you hug naked
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Beauty and the Beast
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
emergency phone
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please