Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
so i’m at the stock market right
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I would like even faster food.