[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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🤣dope
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.