Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
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I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards