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if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
i meant to share this earlier
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey