I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
checking out some reviews of my local library