People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
What is going on? 😅
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf