Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
pep talk