I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
it was a valiant fight
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?