The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.