my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
do what now??
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Feels like the fourth month in January