People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David