dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
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A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house