Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.