Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.