Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”