Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT