he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
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Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I’M CRYINGGG
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Get off my horse you stupid moon
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog