Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
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No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what youâre saying.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he âbit his teeth.â Ok⌠well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? đđđ
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
âWhen do we learn how to breathe underwater?â My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like âi can tell youâre really intelligentâ couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons⌠I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems