Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Well, this explains it:
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things