The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death