humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
No Google it does not
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.