My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.