Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂