My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
This guy’s not having it 😆
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”