Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
My five year plan is a meteorite
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct